This blog post builds off another one I wrote over a year ago called Diss-tance: it’s time for me to fade away. After six hours of thoughts, here’s what I have to say.
A trait I’ve developed over the years is the uncanny ability to distance myself from people. I’ve done it many times in the past, and will do so many more times in the future. It’s become much easier now. I no longer hesitate much; I simply disappear.
But I’m finding myself conflicted with this thing I do, this one time.
So here goes. Let’s discuss Andycology. Let’s discuss me.
I’m a very comfortable person. I don’t mind revealing many, many things about myself. This blog, which will be shown to my kids one day, reveals a tremendous amount of my disposition. But, with that being said, I remain a very private person.
I follow many sets of personal rules, like living as functionally as possible, reaching the ideal of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need, and behaving as a Gemeinschaft individual. Another rule I’ve followed and have mentioned many times in my blog is to never get caught slippin’. This will be further discussed later.
Given realistic parameters and ruling out rhetorical assertions, I also believe that I’m in full control of my life. Every one of my failures and successes, I have attributed it to myself. Every failed/aced test, every acceptance/rejection offer from schools and jobs, every accomplishment/defeat I’ve faced in tasks, hobbies, goals, I attribute to myself. Susan said that one thing she embraces about me is my honesty. I know when I fuck up, and I say so. I know when I’m justified/righteous, and I defend my convictions until circumstances proven otherwise.
I know myself well. I know myself better than anyone else does.
Now, there are less than a handful of people I confide in. Perhaps the two people that know me best are my mother and Susan. With the addition of close friends, these people have seen me slip up. And I’m okay with that. They’re people whom I have full confidence will remain significant figures in my life. I’m okay showing vulnerabilities to them. I trust them. And lastly, these people tell me who I am in areas in which I am unclear. And I believe them.
I know my capabilities. I know my limitations. I’m confident in my resolve.
Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising that that I’m stubborn. With things I claim expertise in, which I possess a dense schematic of, I am very inflexible and resistant to change. Once again, this includes myself, for I know myself best. When dealing with me, the ones who challenge my priors and perhaps enlighten, open, or persuade me would be those who are closest to me. All others, because of lesser knowledge of my disposition, my capabilities, my resolve, can make the same claims. The problem here is, they’re doing so with many underlying assumptions.
So, how is it possible to make more-warranted, more-coherent claims? By getting to know me better. And that involves trust from both sides. All relationships involve a minimum threshold of trust. That said trust dampens over time and sinks beneath a surface-level, superficial relationship. That said relationship then becomes substantive, dense, and meaningful.
Never get caught slippin’… until you actually slip. I’m cautious. I’m a private person. I can be quite introverted. But I open up. I don’t get caught slippin’, but I do slip. I tell my stories, my experiences, my perspectives, my traits. In that sense, I’m building my trust with that person. Until then, I don’t want to talk about said stories, experiences, perspectives, and traits.
So, Susan comes to save the day. Before she put some sense in me, I was talking diss-tance, of disappearance. And she saved me from my extremes. And I realize that, with my stubbornness, I would have been unequivocal in my decision had I been certain of my resolve. But I’m not certain. I was just being irrational. I could disappear, but I don’t want to.
I could diss-tance, but I’d rather talk this once. Talking builds trust. But, it also takes time to build that trust.