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How to attract the opposite sex. (Facepalm)

A while back, my best friend attracted a guy who happened to get her e-mail. He started writing to her aggressively. This was, in my opinion, the funniest one.

hey susan,

i guess this will be my third response where you haven’t responded back, which makes me look really bad and you look really, well you can decide on your own adjective. I hope you read this because it did take some thought and consideration. This is really sad some may say, but I thought I might give you one last message. Hopefully you respond to it.

Look as I’ve said before, I think you’re beautiful. That James Blunt song is a really cliche phrase, so I’d rather say that you’re a visual bombshell or you won the genetic lottery. Yay! Hooray for you! Subsequently, according to the laws of nature, you probably average 5 to 6 double takes a day, or 2 to 3 on an off day, maybe be from both sexes, maybe primarily from guys. Not quite sure. I guess that’s something you would know.

Furthermore, I would like to elucidate my thoughts on what I meant to say when I say, “I think you’re beautiful.” I say you have a rare kind of beauty. First of all, it’s super Korean. That’s obvious because you’re obviously Korean. What I mean is that when you smile, you look like one of the ancient Korean women of old from the Three Kingdoms era who probably stumbled upon the first concoction of kimchee jjigae while preparing supper for the men coming in from the wheat harvest. Sorry if that’s a bit sexist for the Wellesley disposition. It’s a very classic, vintage look. Seriously, I mean it as a compliment, not as an underhanded way of saying you look old. What’s less obvious, and this is only my subjective scientific analysis, your last name is Park. And according to offhand conversation I’ve had with other members of the Korean race, the straight-up original, gangsta Koreans are those of the Park and Kim clan.

Granted, anyone would vouch such is the case for all Kim’s and I think most people would agree as such for all you Park’s out there. As for me, my last name is conspicuously Song, and there was a Chinese dynasty named as such. In fact, I may be Chinese royalty, but what’s more probably is that, some Chinese peeps decided to emigrate to the Hermit Kingdom some centuries ago, married the locals and decided they might as well call themselves Korean. So here I am. My level of Koreanness is questionable I believe because people always say I look Chinese.

Whatever… I would say I’m of the Christian race, the generation of freaks, geeks, losers and underdogs (according to the world) who end up owning the crap out of everyone else at the last straw, because well that’s what Jesus did and continually does. Anyway, I think if I played it cool and composed for the limited number of social interactions I’ve had with you, I probably wouldn’t have weirded you out, which I’m assuming I have and might still be doing right now. =S Point taken, I am not your average slice of humanity.

I’m pretty weird, and it bothers me that I can talk like a sophisticated Ivy League grad (in my subjective opinion) on Facebook messages, but on skype conversations, I’m a bumbling, thumb twiddling verbal Mr. Beans at times. Still working on that haha. Anyone here’s my point. I don’t want to date you, but I think you’re physically attractive. I’m sure you are attractive in other ways and that you have a lot of substance  What I’m looking for is experience with girls, pretty girls. Call me shallow, but every guy goes for the pretty girl. That’s just the way we’re hardwired.

What I’m hoping for is ONE, just one, lunch/dinner at a restaurant or cafe. Whatever. Plus you don’t have to come alone. You can bring whoever else you want. You can also bring your own personal bouncer (if you can afford one) and/or a physically fit male companion and/or a can of pepper spray of you’re perturbed enough by my incessant supplication. Actually, I’ll pay for the dinner and for the bouncer, if you intend on bringing one. And maybe, if I impress you enough in a way, you’ll be willing to go on a second date with me. And what I mean by date is like a friend date/casual date. Nothing seriously, nothing lasting. Just an innocent little hangout for the afternoon or evening. I’m only staying for a week, and I’m only free for a few days out of that week, so I wouldn’t really have time for more than two dates, okay fine, “meetups.”

The thing is that I don’t have so much experience with women. I am not looking to “get some” at all; in fact, I’m a bit petrified of the female species when it comes to touching them. Weird, huh? I take it, not as closet homosexuality, but rather a lack of practical experience with women. Nevertheless, I am, you could say, doing market research. That doesn’t mean I objectify women as pieces of meat, but I do want to, I guess, “figure out” women and learn how they think. I think that firsthand experience is probably the best way to do this. The end goal is to be able to charm other beautiful women, one of which will be impressed enough with my understanding of the female psychology to marry me, or at least trick them into doing so. I’m only half kidding haha.

In closing, I think you’re out of my league. I think you think the same way.. Maybe that matters to you, maybe not. Furthermore, I would like to say that despite my weirdness  I’m actually a nice decent guy. I’m no abercrombie/hollister model with six-pack abs, but I do have personality. Given, I’m not saying that all abercrombie models lack personality; all I’m saying is that I have something to bring to the table.

You might be thinking finally, if you’ve made it down this far, why have I been so persistent, or super forward, in my advances toward you. Quite simply, I believe you’re not only beautiful but you have a rare kind of beauty and also I have a personal philosophy of leaving no stone unturned and living life RISKKAAYYY!! Sorry that was a bit inappropriate. Seriously, you never know until you actually try. So right now, I’m trying. If I don’t break through to you, I’m guessing it’ll work on the next bewitchingly beautiful lady I happen to meet. Notice, I only called you beautiful, not bewitchingly beautiful haha. The next time I see a bewitchingly beautiful lady, I’ll let you know, to test if they actually exist. I’m not sure of drop dead gorgeous women exist, because I’ve never seen a newspaper headline that reported men dying out of pure beauty from an oblivious passerby damsel.

It’s funny because I think you already agreed to meet up with me when I come to Korea, and by this message and my random  inconvenient calls, I’ve blown such an ordinary event to cosmic proportions! I’m sorry, I’m one of those guys that have a thing for pretty women.

At least my incentives for such actions are clear now. But to be fair, I’m pretty sure that half of your guys friends are secretly in love with you, and are treading water in the friend zone, until they build up the courage to ask you out on a date. Just my opinion haha. Lastly, I don’t usually talk like this. In regular conversation, I’m not that flamboyant when I talk. But I like doing this at times, because it’s fun and maybe it’ll get your attention to some degree. I think I’m much more laid back to talk with in person. Hopefully, you respond to this message and even better, in a positive light..

The guy is a Berkeley alum…

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