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You woulda been 31.

Wdup cousin.

I would have written this yesterday, but I was being selfish with some me-time. I’m sure you could forgive me, since you still owe me for getting a virus on my Windows 98 way back then. 🙂

Your dad forwards random e-mails to me once every while. Much of it is humorous, the others philosophical. He said that he’s proud of me, and that you would be too if you were still with us. A couple pictures of you (and us) are still around the house in SoCal, and thoughts of you still arise errday dog.

You’ve been gone for five years and one day now, yo. You woulda been 31 right now, having most likely finished your degree in physics from North Carolina. You mighta met someone appropriate for you: a nice, sweet, attractive girl. Since I’m “older” now (still a kid, man), I woulda forced you to send me a bio and picture of her so I could give approval/disapproval.

With the exception of your dad, your family in Taiwan doesn’t really keep in touch with my family except for grandma. I don’t blame them. I’m sure the thought of the US brings them sadness, just like being in Taiwan makes me partially miserable. I haven’t been back to Taiwan in almost three and a half years now. I want to go back very badly, but a part of me refrains from doing so. I’d like to come visit you more often in your home and grave, but sorry dog, it brings me much unease and displeasure. Hope ya don’t blame me.

The whole family pressured me a lot after you passed. Lots of things have changed since last year. I think you’d be semi proud of me. I’m now 21, a third year at UC Berkeley. I get lazy a lot here, but I get my shit together in the end. I’m still exercising and eating healthy. I was diagnosed with glaucoma over the summer, and it sucks but I’ll live. I still gotcha name tatted on my arm so we both ball ‘til my dying days.

Even then, I’m still afraid of a lot of things. The future is always uncertain, and that always brings anxiety. I took a bad part of my mom’s genes: her ultra anxiety. Therefore, I’ve been smoking in the night to help me sleep. Don’t worry, I would truly stop if I believed it to be bad for me. I don’t even touch cigars, cigarettes, hookah, let alone any illicit drug. Damn these genes.

I miss your dorkiness dog. I miss how you would fly to SoCal once or twice a year with ya dad and just hang out with us. I’m sure I annoyed you most of the time since I was a kid (remember, still am!) but that’s because I liked you. You were the favorite cousin between Cindy and I.

I desensitize myself from the thought of you 364 days of the year. Every November 3 (and today – one day late), I let my guard down and let it loose. I miss ya dog. I still love ya, still mourn bout ya, and wish you were still here with us.

You woulda been 31. I woulda been proud of you. Everyone would have been.

Love,

“Stupeh!” (your fob accent) Andy

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