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Sister Chronicles (#1): The evil pinky.

I have a sister whose name is Cindy. Tonight’s post will be the first in many stories that I share with her.

As a little kid, I was possessed by my sister. I followed her around everywhere, which posed problematic for her alone-time and personal privacy. Seeing that the neighborhood kids were either girls or older guys, I tagged along with her on their many escapades. Make no mistake about it, I was like a tick. A harmless one.

Cindy needed to find a way to get rid of me at times. Using whatever evil thoughts available in her head, she conjured a tactic to manipulate me: threatening our “friendship.” Whenever she wanted to be left alone, she would say something like, “If you won’t go away, I won’t be your friend anymore.” That tactic worked for a brief period of time, and I would quickly disappear… for a few minutes.

Seeing that it wasn’t as effective as she’d hoped, she modified the strategy and  used it for entertainment purposes instead. Introducing young Cindy’s ever-so-useful tool: the pinky. By pointing it in any general direction, my sister would shout “If you don’t go away before my pinky touches _______ (any tangible object, really), I won’t be your friend anymore!” The strategy worked wonders, and her grin broadened glamorously.

It strikes me as superbly strange (an unintended alliteration) how her new strategy was counter intuitive to her original one. Instead of getting rid of me, she found this evil, evil act highly enjoyable and kept me around more often. Soon after she started utilizing this atrocious act (highly biased in my favor), she expanded its usage. Such examples include:

“If my pinky touches the table in X seconds (ranges from 0.1-10 seconds), I won’t be your friend anymore!”

“If I touch you, I won’t be your friend anymore!” She then gave chase as I propelled out of the room we were in… (highly exaggerated to attract a sympathetic audience)

She quickly became more clever. Once I started grabbing her arm to steer that horrible pinky away from its intended target, she would change its course! As I redirected the pinky away from the chair, she would then state that the pinky was aiming for the TV. As I struggled to drive it away from the TV, she would change its course towards me! The pinky was a formidable opponent, indeed.

On several occasions, she challenged me to defy the laws of physics, namely gravity. She told me that she wouldn’t be my friend if I was touching anything she was touching. I wasn’t… or so I thought. The sly smile erupted from her face, and she mentioned that I was standing on the floor that her feet were touching. She wasn’t my friend anymore. I cried, many a times.

The pinky threats weren’t exclusively used just for entertainment purposes. Sometimes, she’d utilize it to coerce me into committing despicable acts. An infamous example would be at Knott’s Berry Farm. Cindy really wanted to ride the Ghost Rider, but I was deeply afraid of roller coasters at the time. The pinky threats came out, and I begged her not to touch the entrance sign. The threats then expanded to not being my friend for ten days. How horrible! Realizing that my fear of roller coasters exceeded our valued friendship, her gentler side tried compromising. “Andy, if you go on the Ghost Rider with me, I’ll be your friend for X days.” The variable quickly rose exponentially. If you didn’t know, 365 days are in a year. Three years makes 1095 days. She told me that she would be my friend for three years. I said no. How foolish of me, since I found out a few years later that I love the thrill of roller coasters.

Although having a sibling has its cons, it does have its many pros. For instance, Cindy and I have learned to share with each other. Following the winter holidays, her friends gave her two large containers full of cookies. Within three days (she claims one, but she’s exaggerating it in her favor), I ate them all. 90% of all the cookies that were consumed must have been my doing. Now just recently, a friend of mine baked this delicious, to-die-for lemon yogurt cake. I sampled two thin slices equivalent to the size of an iPhone. The next night after I brought the cake home, there were no remnants of it in sight. Cindy, along with the rest of my family, consumed it like substance abuse. She even cut “two huge slices” (in accordance to my mother’s words) to give to her boyfriend. See? We’ve learned to share with each other. That’s a pro.

Cindy turned 23 yesterday. Happy belated, dear sister! As I’ve already revealed, she has a boyfriend. Too bad, guys. With that being said, I love her. A lot. We’re two very differently people, but I’ve accepted this and love her anyway. In fact, I will destroy anyone who utilizes the evil pinky on her. In other words, I will destroy anyone who deliberately hurts her. Seriously.

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