[I’d like to think that] I’m always in control of my life. For example, I just ate my 6th M&M Peanut Chocolate Candies. That’s 61 calories that I knowingly consumed (I looked it up just now).
[I’d like to think that] I say whatever I want. I openly talk about things other people may consider as censored material.
[I’d like to think that] I do whatever I want, whenever I want. For a long time, I counted my calories. I weighed all my foods, prepared all my meals, conducted my own research, calculated everything, recorded it by hand, and transferred the contents online. I did this for 209 total days. Every. Single. Calorie.
Day 77 of my cut cycle, over a year and a half ago.
Four completely filled notebooks. Every front page contains my calorie count, while every back page contains my workout (~6 days/week).
A brilliant person once said, “You can never plan too meticulously. Some of the best outcomes are from improvising.”
Had I been in control, and everything had gone according to plan seven months ago, I would have been close to finishing my undergrad work for physical therapy at Cal State Long Beach or San Diego State University. Instead, while several of my friends celebrated gaining admission into their respective colleges, I on the other hand received two rejection letters. I wrote about my feelings in a Note on Facebook, and you could view it here.
Had I been in control, I would have been in the NBA by now, living my 6-7th grade dream of being a professional basketball player. And, had I been in control, I would have been living my 7 year old dream of being suspended in a crane, wielding a chainsaw, and cutting down trees (don’t hate, they’re damn cool).
The Me seven months ago would have never thought I’d be where I am now. Similarly, the high school me never imagined I’d be who I am now. Conversely, the childhood and middle school me never contemplated being the person I am now. The person was absolutely correct; I can never plan too meticulously.
There seems to be an ongoing trend revolving around my lifestyle. Every time I reminisce back a month, two months, half a year, and/or a year, I laugh at myself. I take myself too seriously. I’ve been told that a few times, and I agree.
As I’ve written in one of my previous posts here, there are no wrong choices in life. A good or bad choice is merely subjective, and is interpreted differently by everyone. In the end, the choice was simply what it was: an act of choosing. That act then expands into different opportunities than, say, another act. The culmination of all those actions has shaped me into who I am. That is why I have no regrets in life – I cannot undo what has been done to me.
That is, in my opinion, what makes being alive so interesting. The fact that all your choices have a direct impact, no matter how enormous or insignificant, makes living beautiful. I watched the the 2009 film Mr. Nobody a couple days ago, and it depicts this very theme. As a result, it’s become one of my all time favorite movies.
My naivety likes to believe I am always in control of my life, but I’m far from manifesting that. It’s simply impossible to, for the world doesn’t revolve around a single being. Even if I could control my physical being, as I’ve displayed plentiful times, my mental being is still stubborn and unfathomable. Besides, what would be the point of living if I had complete control over my life? As Mr. Nobody displayed, I’d rather not know the repercussions of all my life choices (not a spoiler).
I’ve told you this so many times before, that I fear the future. I fear the unknown. I’ve got a lot of growing up to do, because I’m still a kid. But you’ve helped me realize that having unknowns isn’t a bad thing at all. That planning too meticulously isn’t the best. I don’t think I’m nearly as fearful of the future and the unknown now. Thank you.